Monday, July 14, 2008

Desire...

I don't know if it is "normal" ...as in what is socially acceptable and "allowed" but I want it all the time...*sigh*...and I was born this way...I mean from as far back as I can remember...I have spent large portions of my day trying to figure out how to be held more or kissed more or touched more frequently


This need is so pervasisive within my personality that I have grown to think that EVERYONE wants it as much as I do...they just do not admit it...and I have researched and studied enough child development information to have deduced that it may be some shortcoming of my early infanthood...that perhaps I wasn't touched or held or kissed enough...I mean I know I wasn't breastfed and I have six other siblings and all and Momma had to go back to work when I was around one I think...but to be honest yall
My brothers and sisters filled my early childhood with tickling and tackle football and kissing and hugging and holding and lots and lots of affection...on a level I think we worked very hard to give to each other what we did not receive from my mother or my father...I even see it in the very touchy feely way we raise our own children, such a departure from our own upbringing


Now that I am a grown woman...I still love touching, being touched, kissing, being kissed...lots and lots of affection and I also have a high libido

*BLINK*

I say that with a measure of fear, trepidation, and trembling...because, even in this age of "Sex In The City" and "Desparate Housewives" it is still somewhat taboo for a woman to have and admit to intense sexual urges



Not always acceptable to be the one who rolls over in the middle of the night fondling and wanting and whose desire rises in each morning with SunRa...I suppose it must be somewhat intimidating to be with a woman whose urges constantly cause her to trepass on that most sacred, partially ego-driven and decidedly male ground of sexuality...be that as it may...I am who and what I am and although I have learned to make peace with most of My Self and love Her unapologetically THIS PIECE remains the last stronghold of the patriarchy in my otherwise gynocentric, woman centered, matrifocal psyche! MY OWN DESIRE! I still fight my own urges so as not to step on the oh so sensitive toes of those who feel that my own wants have no place in the realm of desire...those who diagnose me simply because I have needs more intense than their own...my sensuality, my sexuality remains watered down, diluted, less than full strength
I do not believe that the world is ready and I have YET to meet a lover who is ready to actually deal with Female Sexuality head on, face to face...Full, Straight No Chaser, ON TEN
Cause female sexuality is the stuff our cultures most influential horror stories are made of...the Jezebels, the Mary Magdelenes, the Eves, the Liliths...all of these women, who are the WRONG KIND of women had the gaul to exhibit their desires and EVEN WORSE had the nerve to expect them to be fulfilled...thereby earning themselves a permanent place in exile within in the minds of those who seek to belong
And even though belonging is something I gave up on back in the sixth grade...the thorn of socialization has still been driven deep into my spine splintering so that little bitlets of it remain part of my soul even as I struggle to remove them...there is always one tiny piece left lingering right underneath the skin, that is undetectable with the naked eye but causes so much pain that you will gladly suffer through having it fished out with a needle...my desire is That Piece


3 comments:

creatrix said...

i know how you feel...

it's interesting...in some ways i feel like this is the area where i've allowed myself some measure of freedom, while allowing my spirituality and creativity to falter.

we're all seeking balance in this topsy turvy place. keep working at it.

peace

AlteredThought said...

This right here:

"I suppose it must be somewhat intimidating to be with a woman whose urges constantly cause her to trepass on that most sacred, partially ego-driven and decidedly male ground of sexuality"

Not intimidating to me in the least bit. In fact, it's what I'd prefer in a woman. Please, if you want me, grab at me and pull me to you and make me do what you need done. I am not lazy nor afraid.

Peace

this too will pass said...

good luck with your quest... but whatever happens " this too will pass"