Coming Undone-Seeking Crazy Bitchdom

I am a virgin to blogger so I am not totally sure how to manuever around it or how to best position myself to experience its pleasures...snicker


but hell


I'll give it a shot


Currently


I am in the process of coming undone


as in "she's come undone"


Being done


is something that women are constantly working towards and maintaining


we get our hair done


our nails done





there is something about womanhood that somehow means that we spend a great deal of our time trying to look like


smell like


act like and


feel like


something else


something false


an imaginary something that doesn't exist in real time





I mean


how many male hygiene products are there out there?


And any grown woman know that testicles DO have a smell


cause I know somebody is gone say but men don't have a smell


they do


but


we are not socialized to think that a male smell is something that needs to be douched or moist wiped or deodorized away...there is no male equivalent to FDS or pantyliners


so at some point


you become used to the scent of masculinity



Eventually



you welcome it as a sign that you are being up close and personal with your beloved



but



Your own womanly smell however

is something you try to regulate

wash away

perfume over

supposite on top of

or medicate

This preoccupation with controlling your natural secretions is a metaphor for how womanhood is viewed

It is something nasty, funky. deep, dark, dank and powerful in a way that must be tamed, shut down, controlled
Pushed to the inner recesses of our psyche to the point where we as women are not really sure that
WOMEN
really exist or are the twisted fantasy of a few sex crazed nymphos

Is June Cleaver really our ideal? Is SHE who WE want to be? Does she stand for us, represent us?
If not then who does...?

I haven't answered that question but for the time being I am working on Coming Undone...
She's come undone
A exhortation of sorts that is cried out when a woman gets too loud
or hysterical -which of course has the same root as hysterectomy
or bursts out of her corset
or allows the bun at the nape of her neck to come aloose
or takes up too much space
or speaks her truth loudly
or kicks and screams
or does all of the above at once which means she is having "a nervous breakdown"
or is generally not tippy toeing around in a tight ill fitting pinching quiet small shell
she has come undone
when she
when we
are not controlled
I can be the Empress of Control
soft, dulcid voice, smooth touch, not rattled by anything or anyone
one spiritual group refers to it as being "eternally at peace in any situation"
to make is sound like something good, something laudable, something one should seek out and cleave unto themselves
I can
do that
well
But I Feel so much better
when I am undone
there is not a tight knot in my throat
my chest doesn't hurt
and my back and neck don't ache
I am not as my sister said nauseous from swallowing so much shit
Amy Tan wrote that in her culture women are taught to swallow pain and that that is thought to be one of the duties of womanhood
I had a lover from Gambia once who told me the same thing, that women are created to take pain
conversely
we are not expected to experience pleasure frequently...but to give it endlessly
I am in the midst of an internal battle to stay
undone
an every day war against
the conventions, and mindsets, and upbringing and ways and mores
that poke and prod and suggest and insinuate and demand that I
remain
done
controlled
not doing so is a daily battle
it is a fight for my life
for my breath
for my sanity
for my health
yeah you are interpreting this correctly
what I am saying is that I am consciously working on
being the crazy bitch
the fatal attraction whore
the baby mama with drama
the insatiable freak
that woman who is not above speaking her mind or getting what is rightfully hers
the shrew
that little part that everybody's momma has that we fear
cause
it is lie not to be this part of ourselves sometimes
to lose it all in the pursuit of staying
done
and it is suicidal
she's come undone
indeed
completely
totally
forever
Un
Done
she refuses to breathe life into lies anymore
she does not sit idly by and take shit anymore
she is not assisting you in abusing her anymore
she is not a cog in the wheel of oppression
nor brick builder for the patriarchal white supremacist pyramid
she expects more
and more
and more
she has the gall to not accept anything less than what she gives!
she is shocking
she is wild
she is off
she got funny ways
she sum timey
she moody
thoroughly
UN
DONE
so
mote
it
be
in the name of all that is round
and juicy
and life giving in the Universe